Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Joys of Melta

The Fire Dragon recruiting officer has the easiest job in the Craftworld.

Fire Dragon Exarch: "Hey, you wanna be a Fire Dragon?"

Hapless Eldar: "I don't know - I was thinking Dire Avenger..."

"What - the careful art of balanced attack and defense? Yeah, you could do it that way. Or you could just take this fucking meltagun and burn people down with one shot."

"What kind of tactics do you use?"

"Every person around you also gets a meltagun."


"Is the training hard?"


"Right, sorry."

And that's really it. A Warrior Aspect built entirely around a gun. Swooping Hawks have to master the subtle art of flying. Howling Banshees practice endlessly with their elegant power swords. Even the Dark Reapers have to be good shots. Dragons just get vomited out of a Wave Serpent within 20 feet of the enemy and start pulling triggers. Fifteen seconds later, there's a burning Land Raider next to five dead Fire Dragons and a Space Marine desperately wondering what the hell just happened. The Autarch, a General of the Eldar people charged with overseeing this ancient civilization - this slowly dying race - sees this and thinks:

"Good trade."

Fucking Autarchs.


  1. Love it! I want a space marine chapter that does nothing but jump packs and lightning claws... because why would you do anything else? Hey Tim - we need you to lug around this heavy bolter and lay down some suppressing fire. Fuck that, I want to be super kick ass like Wolverine... except I can fly!

    1. night lords, you just described the ideal night lords army

  2. You sir, have won a free internets!

  3. *laugh*

    This is the reason why I've always loved the Fire Dragons as much as I do. They've always been been my favorite Aspect, but NOW the interwebs have found them...

    I liked them before they were cool, damnit!

  4. I didn't know you could be this funny, dude. Really. That was freakin' hilarious!

  5. Pretty much the funniest thing I've read in months. LOL! I often wondered at that myself! Secondarily, those poor Warp Spiders trying to recruit: Hey kid, you wanna be a Warp Spider?
    Kid: Uhh, isn't that tech a little unstable?
    Spider: Nah, it's been like 2 matches since the 'accident'
    Kid: Oh I see... Which Phoenix Lord is yours?
    Spider: .....

  6. oh man... that's great.

    How the hell are you not in the HoP rolls yet?

  7. Replies
    1. And sadly accurate as well ^^